


That was then

by Stickandthorn



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst, Caleb’s Backstory, Hurt No Comfort, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I mean maybe a little comfort but not really, M/M, One Shot, was just feelin edgy I guess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-16
Updated: 2021-03-16
Packaged: 2021-03-24 21:02:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,785
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30078297
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Stickandthorn/pseuds/Stickandthorn
Summary: Essek Thelyss was proud to have a soulmate, proud that the Luxon thought him strong enough to bear another’s pain. At least back then. Not anymore.(A very dramatic shadowgast soulmates au)
Relationships: Essek Thelyss/Caleb Widogast
Comments: 5
Kudos: 73





	That was then

**Author's Note:**

> Soooo... I never thought I’d write a soulmate au, like, ever. But. I was feeling dramatic and this idea came to me and I just had to. It will get pretty dark I suppose. Maybe I should be working on my WIPs or even my actual real person work, but this seems more fun.

Essek remembered. He remembered his mother’s smile as she looked upon him when he was young. 

“You are to have a soulmate, Essek. It is both a great honor and a great burden. You bear the pain of your soulmate, but the Luxon would only give you this if it knew you were fit to bear it. You are storng, my boy. Light shines on you today, Essek.” 

He’d been so excited. He’d never been one for romance like other children, but the idea of such honor, such  _ magic,  _ a mind in sinc with his own, how could he not be elated?

The Bright Queen had been excited for him too, and how could you not feel ecstatic along with your Queen? Sure, it didn’t appear that his soulmate was a drow, but that didn’t matter. The Luxon worked in strange ways, and consecution always complicated things. Essek had been excited.

He’d worked hard, and oh had he gone far. He’d made them all proud, he did so well for a new soul, so warm was his mother’s smile, so bright the light of the Luxon on him. And he couldn’t wait to share it all with his soulmate. 

  
  


That was then. 

  
  


Now, Essek was screaming. Tears streamed down his face as his arms burned with pain so white hot he didn’t know how he could bear it. He wanted to climb out of his skin, to be out of his body, to do anything. He wriggled like an eel, trying to find some comfort in a shift in position, in fangs buried into the walls of his cheeks. But there was no relief.

He tried to bear it. But he couldn’t. He couldn’t take it.

No, there was no relief. He’d tried to study how, in the moments when the pain wasn’t so active and was just a dull, residual thrum in his muscles and bones. Yes he’d tried to study how,mhow to make the pain better, and eventually when he only had one answer, he’d tried to study how. How to severe a soulmate. But it seemed the only way was the death of one party or the other. 

He’d tried to ask his mother if there was anything she could do, she was an Umavi after all. But she’d only said that this was the Luxon’s light, the Luxon’s will, and he would be able to bear it if it was given to him. He was of Den Thelyss, he was strong.

He thought maybe that was the case, for others. They had to bear horrors, but in the end they,would find relief, find happiness. So he looked. But it seemed no one else in the Dynasty had a soulmate as pained as his.

So at night Essek cried, and begged the Luxon every night. Begged the Luxon to kill his soulmate. Kill him if it had to.

That was then.

Now he’d stopped begging the Luxon for anything. Stopped believing in the Luxon not long after he stopped begging. He spent his prayers and times of worships beseeching any other god, a god that actually granted its worshippers prayers, to do something. 

But that hadn’t worked either. 

So instead Essek swore off gods, and committed to study. And it wasn’t long after that that the night came.

It had been a more painless day than usual, and Essek had been thankful to no one in particular for that. Maybe to whatever hurt his soulmate so much, if anything. 

He sometimes felt deep down that he was supposed to care more about his other half, but how could he? Whoever it was had inflicted untold tortures on Essek and he’d not even met them yet. He didn’t even want to, romance had grown a far more unreasonable concept to Essek the older he got.

He also got smarter the older he got, and he’d taken the days painlessness to study even more than usual. He’d been making good use of the floating cantrip he’d modified, at least he could go out of the house without his knees buckling from someone else’s pain now. It was a good day for learning. 

It was late, late at night as he was closing a book and reaching for the next that the pain came. 

But this time it was different.

Hot, searing, burning, destroying, unfathomable pain coursed through his mind, his brain shattering like glass and his eyes leaking with tears, he couldn’t see, couldn’t hear, only the pain in his own head was left, his consciousness buckling and snapping. 

That was then.

Now, it had been eleven years. Eleven years where his head burned every day, burned hot and bright and every memory Essek formed seemed to melt away half formed, every thought was muddled and murky, every spell was studied wrong, every duty preformed with a dull, throbbing mind. Eleven years. 

His soulmate had taken away his love of knowledge, his study, his learning, his spells, his mind. For eleven years. No reprise.

That was then.

Now, it had come back. All at once, one night, and he’d felt pain in his body again, again, but his mind, it was back.

And when it was finally over, his mind finally once again intact, all he felt was rage. Searing, white hot rage, stronger than any forge’s fire. 

The next five years barely bothered him. There was pain still, less than before but still there was pain, tortures no more but ever present. But there was too much anger in Essek for that to stop him. He was going to do whatever it took to end his connection to this soulmate. The rage propelled him, kept him aloft, made him better. He would do it. Whatever it took.

  
  


That was then.

  
  


Now he stood in front of the empire man, his copper hair in a greasy tangle over his face, his skin red raw, his body crumpled inwards. The shackles of the dungeons of penance kept him tight in his place, making his overly skinny limbs hold at odd angles. 

Scourger. Essek sighed, shrugging off the pain that surrounded him like a shroud, and raised his hand to do his worst. It always went like this.

“What are you doing here?” He asked. He knew the man wouldn’t answer, they never did, but this was always how it went.

“You know what I’m doing here.” The man had a broken voice, zemnian accent raw against his throat. 

“I do. Anything you’d like to tell us that your fellows haven’t?” Essek didn’t expect anything, he knew their type, martyrs for their empire every one. 

The man lifted up his head, and Essek felt a pain in his neck. Through the man’s curtain of greasy hair peered a single, bright blue eye. The color of his mother’s old dressing robe, he mused absently.

“There is nothing I can say. I’ve failed, and we both know what that means.”

Essek nodded. They did know what that meant. The world was cruel and harsh, and so the wheel turned and crushed this man underneath. He deserved it. 

And so Essek began casting the spell that had been ready on his lips and fingers since he’d first heard of the scourger capture, and sent it forth into the air. And then the pain started, his chest burning, eyes watering, air leaving his lungs, and the dots connected. 

Essek let the man drop, feeling the pain course through his body, and the rage, the rage began filling him from toe to ear, legs trembling with anger where he floated. The rage was keeping him from keeling over. The rage was unstoppable.

“You.” Essek snarled, teeth bearing in the dim light of the dungeon. The man looked confused, face peering through the hair to try and see what had happened, eyes eventually locking on Essek’s.

“ _ Was _ ?” 

“You. You’re him. You’re who’s been plaguing me my entire life.” Essek felt emotions he’d never let show before flood his face, and the look of terror on this scourger’s own made him practically grin.

“I… what?”

“You’re my soulmate.” Essek snarled. 

The man blinked, slumping back in his chains a little. Essek smiled, his hand ready for the quickest spell to kill this parasite on his being. It’d hurt, but only for a moment, only one last time. Then it’d be over, 

“Oh.” The man’s voice was small, tiny in the big cell. He looked at Essek, really looked at him, and his eyes were wide. Wide with something, something Essek couldn’t place. Something that shouldn’t be there, something odd, something alien to the situation.

“I… I am sorry.” The man’s voice wavered, hollow with despair, and his eyes. They were not filled with fear, or terror, or anger, or anything they should be. All that was there was sadness, and pity, and… shame.

“I am so sorry.” He said again, complete understanding in his tiny broken voice.

Essek felt his hand twitch and waver over the visage of the man, who was now closing his eyes and breathing out, readying himself.

“That’s what he always said, you know. Always told me how much pain I’d be causing my soulmate. It’s my fault, I know. I… I.” The man sniffed, and Essek felt his hand almost drop and as tears ran down the man’s face. “I thought about doing it myself sometimes, just to, ah, make it easier on you.” He let out a sob that nearly pulled Essek’s heart out. 

This man had cared about him. He had been plotting his murder for years, and this man had been thinking of the wellbeing of someone he’d never met. And yet here he was, racking sobs hurting his ribs and chest and Essek’s too, again and again, pain never ceases. Death, that was only where this could head. 

“Nevermind. Just do it already. I know I’ve been the worst soulmate you could have.” He steadied himself, presenting his neck like he was on an execution block. His mind had gone exactly to where Essek’s had, their thoughts in sinc, as any two soulbonded people’s thoughts would be. Essek’s hand shook, mind racing, eyes leaking.

The man looked up one more time, watery, red rimmed blue eyes blinking at him, filled with more emotion than Essek had ever felt in his life. Filling him with more emotion than he’d ever felt in his life. Filling him up up up, filling him with something that crushed his chest for the inside and squeezed his heart. And then the man’s neck was down again.

Essek knew what he had to do.

  
  


That was then. 

That was then, and now Essek hasn’t felt the pain since. 

**Author's Note:**

> Woof that was a lot, hope you enjoyed!


End file.
